EVENT SPEAKER / MC

Where would you be...?
If - you had all the money your heart desires?
If - you had no worries?
If - you came home and the finest meal was awaiting you?
If - your bath water had been run?
If - you had the perfect kids or pets?
If - your partner was awaiting you, with open arms and kisses?
So, where would you be?

Well....... Hellooooo!!

You'd be at the wrong ******* house!

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My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

Click this link - Then type the year only! Click the question (?) mark and the screen will fade to black.

Sit back and enjoy!

Can you see the cat in this picture? It can take a while but it's definitely there!

The automobile driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is: .75 seconds or 1 car length for every 10mph. Test your average reaction time.

Be careful this can be addictive! You will be surprised at how slow you really are...

Click here to take the Reaction Test

Look carefully at the picture below.

Did you see the bare bum of the girl in the background?

If you did see that in the picture, you need to have your eyes checked...
That is the armpit of the girl holding the camera.

I’ve made your appointment, it’s is at 2pm tomorrow!

This will keep you guessing for HOURS!! Can you name all the mini-characters?
We don't know anyone who's completed it so far!

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I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
Gregory, age 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it
Olive, age 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die... Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
Matthew, age 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
Mitchell, age 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
Henry, age 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!
Jack, age 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, age 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.
Reagan, age 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.
Sara, age 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
Jared, age 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
Antonio, age 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
Ashley, age 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
Vicki, age 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
Sarah, age 7

Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THEM!

What if glass & computers were more closely linked than they are now?

Watch this video to see how we might be living in the future - incredible!!

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed... And created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then... Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-Gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis

I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,
Mrs Harrington

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the Cape Times, in South Africa, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Thabazimbi, South Africa, Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to be from Africa!

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and, after a little while, little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Little Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... Smack him again!"

Dodge all yellow balls by controlling your blue ball with mouse. Buy updates for your ball with money you collect by staying alive.

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A real man is a woman's best friend.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room, and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
It's wine that does all that...

Never mind.

These two churches face each other across a busy street - this actually happened!

"I think that grabbing the bull by the horns is good advice. I also highly recommend kicking a rhino in the yam bag and f****** with sharks."

Four tricky parking challenges against the clock! Mind you don't prang the motor and don't run over the dog!

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How many people are in the picture?

How many are there after you click the green arrow?
(Please save to your harddrive & then open. You might need Flash to watch this, get it here.)

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You are a genius if you can figure this out!
(Please click the picture to download. Click 'Yes' & then click the arrow.)